Panic Attack

smtoiletI had one yesterday. My first. It was horrible and surreal.

This is what precipitated it:

I wrote about my newly acquired brothers and sisters, right? Really wonderful people. I’ve spoken to them on the phone and we’ve emailed facts and such back and forth. I’m lucky they contacted me and even luckier they want me in their lives.

So one of my younger brothers spoke to my biological father – his father – I’ve been bogged down in labels lately – about me. Such as… we not only know about her but we’ve spoken to her and what are you going to do about it?

I don’t know if he chose to blow me off a year ago from disinterest when I told him of our biological relationship or truly didn’t believe it… or… God knows… but he emailed me and wanted to know if I wanted a relationship with him.

After a year of resentment (that I truly did not know was lurking below the surface!) I flipped out. Here he was, asking. There I was, having a panic attack. I had to lie down with Badger (she’s very calming; I don’t know why) and of course fell asleep. When I awoke, it was over and I was able to write back.

He’s been great; telling me about his life and asking about mine… He signs them ‘your father’ or ‘dad’ and that gets me right in the feels. So the last time I wrote back I told him (because I use his name) that I wanted to call him Dad, but every time I think ‘Dad’ I of course think about my Dad. Adopted. See what I mean about labels?

I need some Sleepytime and Badger…

And yes, that really is me on the porcelain. 😉

7 thoughts on “Panic Attack

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  1. Hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs!

    Listen, you can have two dads. You can have as many as you want.

    Take a few hundred deep breaths, focus on nothing but what makes you happy. I love that Badger helps. Fletch does the same for me (which came in so handy the other day… very VERY dark moments).

    Love you!

    Don’t forget you’re welcome to text or call any time you need.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. BTW, I just read something that made a lot of sense (not that it’s easy to put into practice): if anyone judges you for your life, education, or employment it says more about them than it does you.

        Geoffrey Owens, the actor who was reported and shamed by Fox news for working at Trader Joe’s, is a prime example. He’s been working as an actor for decades and is highly educated, but to ensure his family had their needs met he worked at Trader Joe’s. They were always accommodating with his need for time off. But somehow that was painted as a bad thing. And because the story went national and created such a buzz, he’s had to quit. That this was framed the way it was says much more about the reporter than it does a man who was providing for his family in an honorable way.

        Don’t ever let anyone make you feel lesser or not to their standards. You are the only one who decides is your life is satisfying.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks Joanie! I saw that story and thought it was weird that… well, that it even was a story. So he’s working at Trader Joe’s? So what? It’s funny, but people aren’t ashamed that they had to wait tables before their ‘big break’. It sucks that he had to quit… but I hope he’s not been shamed.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Many artists have to work day jobs to keep the bills paid while pursuing their dreams, even in between gigs that pay well. Terry Crews said he was working as a janitor AFTER his NFL career and before his acting career took off.

      The “story” wasn’t a story, just an attempt by a reporter to make a name for himself, but it backfired.

      Just as anyone’s attempts to make you feel bad. You are wonderful as you are and I love you!

      Liked by 1 person

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