After family found my blog I instituted a ‘Real Life’ rule… Revealing some things are fine, but not everything. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings… with my feelings. Odd how that works.
Now, having managed a pretty good success rate, here’s the exception that proves the rule…
~~~>
Mike’s mom is dying. I believe I mentioned that her lung cancer came back. Over a week ago, maybe two, the doctor gave her two days to two weeks to live. She’s on hospice care and is faring exactly how you would expect someone about to die to be: “fine, considering“. She’s aware of her imminent demise and seems to be accepting of it mentally and emotionally.
The people acting crazed are her daughters, except D in Texas. It’s the other four who have been providing enough blog fodder for ten sites over the past few months. You don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to write a post in frustration or humor or downright anger. From the diagnosis and ensuing race to mom’s side up until yesterday, those women have carried on like they’re ten year olds experiencing the joy of menses for the first time: in short, moderately psychotic. To be fair, their 85 year old mother is about to die. That’s not an easy thing to accept.
Immediately after the diagnosis there was a hastily arranged family dinner, attended by everyone – and their brother. Just a meal in a restaurant with their mom, everyone’s emotions were running so high it was cancelled roughly 27 times, each time because one of the sisters had made some offhand comment that was taken wrong. I don’t know how it all came together in the end, but I’m glad it did for mom’s sake.
It’s worth noting that even O.D. went to the Great White North for the dinner, during which time she spilled her guts to her aunts about me. Apparently I’m a bitch.
It happens. Back to the subject.
This brings us to money. Mom has already paid for her service, which will be an hour of viewing while she lays in an open box among flowers like a turkey on a Thanksgiving table. Then into the oven. Again, like a turkey… Sorry, but I hate funerals, more than I can possibly relate in a blog post. I likewise find turkey repellent.
Mom has also left [this is what I hear] 2,000. to each of her children. Well, one of the sisters has already asked Mom for a 500. ‘loan’ against her inheritance. Sweet, huh? Who needs money that badly??
Then there is the ash jewelry. For a certain amount [don't worry about price; it will be taken out of your 2,000] you can wear Mom around your neck! For those of us who are totally skeeved out about mama earrings, there is derision. Don’t you want her with you? Uh… no! Cue another kerfuffle. And then a mini one because when we were asked about buying casket sprays I replied that I’d be glad to do so, but was then told don’t bother, that it would “come out of your money”. A little confusing, but….
I’m doing what my mama taught me and keeping my mouth shut. Well, except for this post.
But I absolutely hated hearing that one of the sisters was speaking loudly on the phone in Mom’s room to a restaurant while planning a ‘funeral luncheon’. She heard everything.
Does mom have no dignity simply because she is dying? Is there no respect?
And this… This just floored me. A couple of the sisters took mom to the funeral home and showed her the box that she’s to be laid out in… you know… before the oven. Gobsmacked is a really good word to describe how I felt upon hearing that.
One asked “Do you want to go to the funeral home and see the casket?” And sick, frail mom had answered “Alright”.
She reported later that they had comfortable sofas.
Of course, in my rage I maintained to Mike that a southern woman would never do such a thing… but nowadays, I don’t know what anyone would or would not do.
It feels like they’re:
A: Trying to hurry the process.
B: Work through their own emotional crap at her expense.
If I were mom I’d want to get the hell on my way already; those girls must be driving her nuts.
Holy Mother of God, pray for us.
While I understand your frustration and horror at their behavior (went thru the same with my sisters in law), I have to say just try to stoically bear it. Everyone reacts differently when confronted with the death of a parent. No one understands it, but it doesn’t matter.
Thanks, Tibby! I’m just hiding and watching…
*hugs* and hang in there.
Thanks, VW!
hugs to you.
When my maternal grandmother died, after the funeral, back at her house, the four children got into a fist fight while we older grandchildren tried to herd the younger grandchildren who inexplicably wanted to get involved in the fist fight.
So… here’s hoping your experience is less eventful.
“he four children got into a fist fight”
:shock: Oh my gosh. Now I know what to look forward to…
keep me posted, I am all ears and praying for you
You’re a damn hoot. :heart:
you just write that blog post and email it to me any time you want! God knows I’ve emailed you my rants :hotflash:
tell Mike we send our love and am so very sorry he has to go through this. family – ack can’t live with ‘em – can’t live with them… Ha
Will do, Patti! :thumbs: He’s doing pretty well, just staying out of everything.
Holy cow, what a bunch of ghouls. I’m planning my own that way no one can wheel me into the funeral home to show me what box they’re sticking my remains in. And no, I’m not going to be created. I don’t want my final resting place to be a fireplace mantle.
Uh that should be cremated. Not created.
I knew what you meant, Folly.
I’ll probably be cremated when they get through with my body, but I could care less.. though I don’t believe I’d want my ashes hanging around someone’s neck. [shudder]
Prayers for grace go up for Mike and you. . . and mom. The rest of that family will have to shift for their own graces.
Thanks so much, Joan!
She did plan & set everything up some time ago so I have no idea what all this is unless, Hmm..
Thank you everyone
My Momma got her wish. No funeral, a simple cremation and her ashes scattered over my sister’s flower garden, including Mom’s beloved Iris. There were no fistfights.
Prayers up for Mike’s Mom.
Sounds very nice.
We’re all going; wouldn’t it be nice if others made it as peaceful as that? For their sakes as well as our own…
Oh, and she also insisted on a cardboard “casket” for the cremation.If I recall correctly her words were an expensive wooden box just for burning? Are you out of your goddamn’ mind?
I miss my Momma.
An intelligent, practical lady!
You and Mike are in my thoughts and prayers.
Now Dad’s side of the family furnerals were always, although we were only allowed to go to the actual funeral they were taken right home.
Fist fights amoungest the family sides were the norm. We always got the play by play when the parents came home. Also the norm was breaking into said deceased house and stealing the things you wanted so nobody else would get them.
They didn’t always know what was being said because everyone was yelling at each other in different languages.
The family was so bad that when my grandmother died, they stripped her house of everything so owned and didn’t let us know she died until 2 months later so we couldn’t get anything of hers (grandma wasn’t talking to us at the time because she felt we were not family anymore because my father had died). We couldn’t even get pictures of grandma or my father from earlier years because they literally took everything.
Thanks, QW!
I really had no idea fighting at funerals is the latest custom. And breaking and entering into the deceased’s home? Damn, what’s wrong with people? :shock:
A death will always show a persons true colors…and isn’t it shocking how primeval some people can behave.
Sending you both hugs, prayers and warm thoughts during the trying times ahead. I’d say try to keep your humor, but you’ve got that covered. Be glad to be on the other end of a phone or email rant to get it off your chest and out of your system before you have to sit in close proximity to those afflicted with the dreaded disease of headupasseous.
Good luck.
:pray:
Thanks so much, Lee Ann!
Oh I am so sorry for you and Mike. And for the most part, I did what you did, kept my mouth shut, except for with my husband when my father in lie died. I think I did open it when I told them there would be a military funeral and my one hippy sil had a snit. I won. But everything else, I tried to keep quiet.
I found his death to be the most ghastly horrific thing I have ever witnessed and it was the behavior of others that did. I have lost all respect for my husband’s brother and it is not a respect that will ever be gained back. There are times still that I struggle to be in the same room with him just due to the whole death thing. He’s also been banned from making any decisions or aiding in any decisions with my death or after math.
Know my thoughts and prayers are with you all. I’m so sad for Mike…
Aw, thanks so much Bou.
Sometimes family just sucks. Funerals should be an event of reverence and reflection to honor the deceased, not a cage match for dysfunctional families.
I fear when my inlaws go, similar drama will ensue with my wife’s family as well.
I’m sorry, Dave… family can be… well, you know.
And if a fight breaks out at their service, I hope you tape it…