A visit to Home Depot

I drug the old carcass to the gynecologist this morning. [If your eyes happen to wander off the page at this point, nobody will blame you. TMI abounds.]

It’s been some time since undergoing that sort of tunneling examination into the bits. The last such invasive inspection was a colonoscopy… but of course they put me to sleep for that. Actually, that’s the way it should be; once a year you’re lulled into a deep, dreamless sleep and all your doctors gather to probe you at one time, thus eliminating the shuttle from the finger-up-the-bum guy to the woman wielding a cold speculum. Let’s just get it over with at once, shall we?

At the very least a distilled beverage should accompany these exams. Maybe some nitrous oxide.

Because of an unfortunate lack of alcohol in doctor’s/lawyer’s/accountant’s offices my first line of defense in times of stress is the Home Depot strategy. I walk the aisles in my mind, looking at the azaleas… oh, good; there’s some garage shelving on sale!

Really, any stranger shoving anything further than an inch into any orifice needs to lull me into a false sense of security first. I’m old enough to know what’s coming, but at least sparkling conversation helps. My sense of security really turned out to be false this time, since I kept thinking the doctor would walk through the door at any moment to perform the deed. Suddenly the nurse practitioner took Nike’s advice and just did it, causing my eyes to widen quite a bit. Then, just to be sure she’d surprised me enough, she infringed upon ol’ Doc Cohen’s job and quickly let a digit wander up an adjoining crevice.
I’m not being too vague, am I?

The good news is, I had a bone density test right there in the office. My hips were judged ‘perfect’ and when I informed the man he replied “I told you they were”. He’s a riot.
The spine… not so much. She -still the nurse practitioner, a lovely woman- told me to get the heck out of this computer chair, pushed some freebies in my purse and gave us the shove. Never met the doctor, but I did get a glimpse and she seemed a happy woman, fixated on the pregnant of the species mostly. Shouting about hormones and lectures, not the sort of thing I wanted to be mixed up with, anyway.

I shot out through the garden center and came home.